Megan Pillow
1. THE DISPATCHExcerpt from The Governor
It’s a Monday afternoon, and one of my lovers is telling me that he doesn’t find me as sexy as he used to.
“Things have gotten too heavy between us,” he says.
I’m sitting on the couch, looking out the window at the sliver of sky visible over the neighbor’s house. I was thinking of the perfection of that blue, the fierceness of it, and then this.
“What do you mean?” I say.
“The sex makes me feel like we’re getting too close,” he says.
Azure, I think to myself.
And again.
I sigh.
“I’m not in love with you,” I say. “You would know if I was. I’m just intense.”
“I just want to have fun with you,” he says.
You aren’t fun, I think. You’re miserable. And I’ve tried to be so gentle with you.
We talk a bit more. We mark out the corners of the relationship, like etching a flower onto glass, because he is glass: brittle, fragile, like so many men. I am used to handling them delicately.
After a while, he leans back against the sofa and looks more relaxed.
“Don’t police yourself with me,” he says.
I look at the sky again, that perfect, searing blue.
What else could I possibly do after this conversation? I think.
This is the end of things, but he doesn’t know it yet. I can already see the trajectory of his leaving. And so soon enough, I will give him a push.
The lover tells me he listens to women. But he does not listen to me.
The lover tells me he loves the intensity of my work.
This is what lovers always say.
But here is what I know: the thing that makes me desirable as a writer makes me terrifying to them as a human being.
2. BUREAU INVENTORYWhatever book or books I'm reading (I take breaks from my work to read work that inspires me)
Vegan snacks like clementines and protein bars (vegan food is hard to come by in this area of town)
At least two drinks, often coffee and a protein shake
Hand lotion
My planner (I have ADHD, so I need to have a list in front of me to remind me what I need to do for the day)
Glasses
Headphones (I usually listen to a song or album on repeat when I'm working on a new piece)
3. BIOGRAPHYMegan Pillow is a graduate of the University of Iowa Writers’ Workshop in fiction and holds a Ph.D. in English from the University of Kentucky. She is co-editor of The Audacity, a new newsletter by Roxane Gay, and founder of Submerged: An Archive of Caregivers Underwater. Her work has appeared or is forthcoming in, among other places, in Electric Literature, The Believer, TriQuarterly, Guernica, and Gay Magazine and has been featured in Longreads. She lives in Louisville, Kentucky with her two children.